Detective Rei
by Angel Acetylcholine
Summary: Luna's gone missing and it's up to Rei to figure out who could have kidnapped her. Immense stupidity. Please review.


Detective Rei

By Scarlet Starlet of the Wind

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or CSI: Miami, which is briefly mentioned. No, this is not a crossover.

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Chapter 1

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"EEK!!"

_It was two in the morning when Tsukino Usagi found out that Luna was missing. The window was cracked and the poor kitty's bed was bedraggled. The first thing she'd thought of was to call me; Hino. Rei Hino. Private eye. _

"Rei, you've gotta help me!"

"Usagi, go to sleep," Rei replied groggily.

"Luna's gone!"

"Usagi, quit dreaming and go to sleep."

Usagi heard the reciever clang in her ear. Usagi sighed. "When she wakes up, she'll react to it."

_I woke up about five minutes later. I suddenly realized that Usagi wasn't joking. I fumbled for the phone and dialed Usagi's number._

"Usagi?"

"No, this is the Dark Kingdom hotline. You have the wrong number."

Rei immediately hung up.

_Dark Kingdom, eh? I'll let that sink in later. Right now, I have to call Usagi._

Rei dialed the number again. "Usagi?"

"Luna's gone!"

"Ok, ok, hold on, I'm coming over there, okay?"

"Oh, thank you!"

_I hung up the phone. It seemed like Tsukino Usagi was the damsel in distress. But you never know. Sometimes those damsels are up to no good. It was up to me, Rei Hino, Private Eye to figure it out. _

_In due time, I made it over to the Tsukino residence, the scene of the crime. In the kitchen, the window was opened and the bed of Luna was messy, like she had put up a fight. I narrowed my eyes in thought. _

"So...did you do it?"

"WHAT? No way!"

_She was beautiful, but you could tell there was stupidity lodged deep inside that girl's brain. Her hair said, "Dumb blonde," her eyes shone like the moon and in her smile you could tell she had a talented dentist. Just like trouble._

"Tell the truth, and I'll let you off easy."

"Rei..."

"Ok, fine. Who else was at the scene of the crime?"

"Well, Mamoru's in the house."

"Good. That's all I needed to know."

_Chiba Mamoru. He was hot, but destiny had linked Usagi and Mamoru together. Had it not, I would have had him at the beginning of the first season. He was smooth...a little too smooth. Smelled like Axe deodorant. His smile was cunning, and you could tell that trouble was stained all over his lips._

_So Usagi and I trailed upstairs to Chiba Mamoru's sleeping place. He was so HOT sleeping...but off limits. Therefore, he looks like trouble. _

"IT WAS YOU!!!"

"Wha--"

Chiba Mamoru woke up to the sound of Rei's voice. He was startled, staring at the both of them with widened eyes. "Rei, what are you doing here?"

"That's Hino Rei, Private Eye to you." Rei folded her arms.

Mamoru sighed. "What's going on?"

"Funny you'd ask...when you did it!"

"Rei..." Mamoru folded his arms also.

"Okay, Luna's gone!"

"I was asleep. So it wasn't me."

"How do we know that for a fact?" Rei pointed her finger at him.

"Because I was asleep, Smarts." Mamoru sighed.

"You could have been sleepwalking!"

Mamoru ignored this comment. "I have to wake up at seven in the morning, as well as you. To go to work. It's three in the morning. Rei. Go home."

He went back to sleep.

_Okay, so he was right. I did need to go back home and go to sleep, because I have a job that I want to keep. But still...since he avoided the topic, he was trouble. And I couldn't wait to get home from work and interview him at the scene of the crime. Because he is trouble._

_But wait! This case is not limited to only Usagi and Mamoru...then I realized...it could have been Chibi-Usa. That little pink devil, I always hated that little pink spore. She is the devil with a pink dress on. And I've always envied her because of her little position. Ever since Sailor Moon Stars, she always flaunted her position in front of me. "I'm Small Lady, I'm cute, I'm cool, and my parents are the queen, and king! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." It wasn't funny. She is the main suspect for now, because we all know...she is trouble._

_After work, I plopped down on my couch and watched television. The show was CSI: Miami. And then I realized - that Luna's still missing. I checked my watch. 4:30. So I drove to the Tsukino residence...where there was trouble. I also called the rest of the senshi - just in case that little spore was not the stealer. _

"Tsukino Chibi-Usa, it was YOU!"

"WHAT?!" Chibi-Usa replied, "Why would I do that?!"

"Face it, Chibi-Usa. You are the one."

"I am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

_You could tell by her pink hair that she was not the child of Usagi and Mamoru. Black and blonde do not equal pink. In her smile, there was a large amount of celery from lunchtime between her teeth. She probably had the same talented dentist as Usagi. She looked conspicuous. And ugly. And she was a spore...and spores say...trouble..._

"Both of you, stop! Rei, you're too old for this!" Mamoru yelled.

"That's Hino Rei, private eye to you - "

"If you don't shut up, your private eye will be a black one!"

"_Mamoru!"_ Usagi yelled, slapping him on the back of the head, "She's got every reason to blame that spore!"

Chibi-Usa looked at Usagi with big, sad eyes.

"I mean, that spore...ous greatness called our daughter."

"Nice save," Rei remarked.

"Tsukino Chibi-Usa, confess to the crime!" Usagi yelled, pointing her finger accusingly.

"I'm the detective here," Rei said.

"Sorry," Usagi apologized.

"Tsukino Chibi-Usa, confess to the crime!" Rei repeated, pointing her finger at Chibi-Usa.

"I didn't do it, good enough for you?"

"And use some manners while you're at it!" Usagi barked.

"Okay, Usagi, we can perfectly see that Chibi-Usa did not commit the crime." Mamoru said exasperatingly.

"So who could have done it...?" Rei said, folding her arms in thought.

"Here we go again," Mamoru sighed and sat down.

_At the exact moment, that blue-haired troublemaker Mizuno Ami knocked on the door. She seemed too smart to be the Luna kidnapper but she was smart enough to take her. I opened the door and greeted her with a loud..._

"_YOU_ DID IT!" Rei yelled. "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG!"

Ami blinked. "What?"

"YOU KIDNAPPED LUNA!"

Ami blinked again. "N-nani?!"

"It all adds up! You got rid of your evidence with your gigantic brain and then you froze Luna into this," Rei held up a horrible drawing of a frozen cat that looked as if a kindergartener had done it. "I call it, the Freeze Luna plan. You froze her and hung her in your attic, and one day you will show her to your children just to scare them out of their wits!"

"Are you on CRACK?!" Ami yelled.

"Get in here." Rei dragged Ami in by the collar for further investigation.

_I had finally gotten the suspect right where I wanted her. I dragged her in, handcuffed her and led her to the upstairs attic, grabbing a bright light and duct tape on the way. Usagi and Mamoru followed me. Ami was screaming for me to let her go. She acted like she didn't know what was going on. But I knew...I knew that she was trouble! So I threw her on some old chair, wrapped her body in duct tape so she couldn't wriggle free, and since she thought some insane person was taking her captive, I slapped some on her mouth too. Her eyes filled with fear. So I shone the bright light in her face. She was immediately blinded._

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!" Mamoru yelled. "THIS IS MY HOUSE! YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS IN MY HOUSE!"

"Mamoru's right, Rei." Usagi said, "I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave."

"Mmph, mmph! Mmph, MMMPH!" Ami yelled. (Translation: Don't take me with you! Please!!"

"Fine," Rei said, "But I'm taking Ami with me."

"MMMPPPPHHHH!!!!" Ami yelled as she was thrown over Rei's shoulder and carted off.

"Aren't you going to do anything? Ami is being carted off over your problem." Mamoru asked.

"Nope," Usagi said, "She can deal. She'll freeze her."

"I hope she can freeze that little firebender." Mamoru muttered.

Usagi slapped him in the back of the head. "She's MY friend, you know."

"Whatever..." Mamoru said, going back downstairs. "By the by, you can stopp slapping me in the head."

"Sorry," Usagi apologized. "I miss Luna," Usagi said when Mamoru left, "I can almost hear her meow..."

She then walked downstairs.

_Now that the Chibas are out of the way, I've got to get to investigating Ami. She is the only one who could have done it and left no evidence. I drove into my garage, parked, and flung Ami over my shoulder again. Knocked the wind out of her. I could tell, for she sputtered a pained "Mmph..." or at least I thought. So I plopped her in a chair in a dark room and flashed another light in her face. Again, Ami was blinded. And then, I said..._

"We're gonna play Good Cop, Bad Cop." Rei said, detective-like. "If you confess, that's it. If you don't, then I'll have to get mean."

She shot me a snooty look. "Mmph, mmph, mmph?"

"How am I going to tell what you're saying? Like this!" Rei ripped the duct tape off of Ami's face. Ami winced.

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" Ami then yelled. "STOP THIS RIGHT NOW OR I'LL FREEZE YOU!"

"Would you like the tape back on your mouth or would you like to comply?"

To this, Ami had no reply.

"Thank you." Rei said, "Now, for your interrogation...did you do it?"

"I did not kidnap Luna."

"Are you sure?" Rei reangled the bright light in such a way that it blinded Ami again.

"I'm positive. Now unwrap me and let me out of here!"

"How do I know that for sure?"

"Because, Rei, I'm too smart for this."

"Fine then," Rei threw up her hands, "I guess the nice cop is gonna have to get mean."

Ami scowled, knowing this would not be too fun.

"CONFESS!!" Rei yelled loudly, "Or I'll put you in jail for the rest of your life."

"I'm through with this," Ami replied, "Mercury Star Power, Make Up!"

_Oh, no. She was going to freeze me! I couldn't believe that my own friends could turn against me! But she committed the crime and she knew it! How could anyone else have committed it and left no evidence? They have to have a brain as big as a bargo ship to do that!_

"Stop!! Don't freeze!" Rei held her hands up in surrenderment.

"That's what I like to hear." She got out of fighting stance and dusted off her shirt. "Now. I told you two times that I did not do it. Now. Get OUT of here. Now."

"Y-yes, Ami-sama."

_And so I waddled away like a wussie. Okay, I know that I am a detective - but I'm a wussie detective! I don't wanna be frozen. I decided to..._

_What should Hino Rei, Private Eye do next? Hm...who could have stolen Luna...? _

_I went back over to Usagi's house for some more clues...clues to resolve the TROUBLE. _

"What are YOU doing here again?" Mamoru asked angrily.

"Listen, all I want is some evidence!" Rei replied.

"Well, here's your evidence," Mamoru narrowed his eyes. "It's very _evident _that I am slamming this door in your face."

"Mamoru--"

The door slammed shut.

_I had to find another way to get in...so I climbed into the second-story window. Luckily, I didn't find anything that would make for a very sour lemon. I made the quietest pattering across the bedroom, so silent..._

"Hey, Rei!" Chibi-Usa yelled, "What are you doing here?!"

"SHUT UP!" I slapped some tape over her mouth. "I'm trying to investigate."

"Mmm-mmm, _mmm..._" Chibi-Usa ran downstairs like she 'knew something that Rei didn't know'.

"NO! Don't tell Usagi I'm here!" Rei looked for an escape.

_When I heard Mamoru's angry growl, I knew I had to get out of here-- and fast. I heard that Mamoru was a track star. And since he was pretty mad...I jumped out of the window I came in. That's right, kiddies. Right out of the window. And with it went my 1920's detectiveness. Though, I lost that somewhere along the line but whatever. That's BESIDES the point. I had to jump out of the second-story window to save my life. I just broke an arm and a leg. Nothing compared to losing your life by way of being strangled._

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A/N: All right, minna. You be the ones to decide. Does this suck or kick butt? Only YOU have the choice to answer that. Come on. You know you want to. Even if you're too scared to tag a pen name onto your hatred/love of this fic.

I shall continue if it kicks butt, but this is over if it sucks...

So...

ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE! Review now!


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